Parents Recource Center

In my last post I talked about where Addictive Thinking Starts.

It starts in early childhood!

If only I would have had some of these resources as a young Mother.
All I knew was that I didn't want my kids to be brought up the way I was. Don't get me wrong I had a good home, a decent education but the rules, regulations and limits that were put on me were in my opinion just..... well plain 'old fashioned' What I've come to learn is, everything was presented to me in the wrong way. (I don't blame my parents, they did their parenting as best they could) I did things or didn't do things "just because my parents said so" or 'unmentionable' things were just not allowed to be spoken about in the house. Thank goodness my kids don't have addictions and have grown to be successful adults in the path that they have chosen, but if I'd known about some of these parenting skills, way back when, life would have been made easier for all of us.
Today especially there is a greater need to communicate with, and protect our children from the dangers of the world. Drugs, alcohol and sex are some of the more important issues to be discussed.

The following web sites are packed with great tips and information. Starting with your preschoolers. It's never too early to start, to help to build self-confidence, a good self-esteem, knowledge and the right tools to carry them into their adult life. 

Inside The Parent Toolkit you’ll find practical tips and advice for raising drug-free kids from parenting and health experts as well as real parents and other caring adults. 
http://www.drugfree.org/Parent/Home/

What to say
to your child at every age

“Like any relationship, your relationship with your child has to change over time. It has to become more developmentally appropriate.”

http://www.drugfree.org/Parent/YourChild/

Understanding Teen
Friendships

“We need to help our kids be discerning about what constitutes a good friend. Friends are loyal; friends want what’s best for you. Friends like that you have interests that maybe they don’t even share! They think that’s cool about you.”

http://www.drugfree.org/Parent/UnderstandingTeens/

Don’t Be A Patsy

Her heart is in the right place. A new, humorous campaign from the Partnership

Pat down – Patsy looks for “telltale hints” of drug use by patting down her daughter.
It’s wonderful that Patsy is so passionate about trying to recognize the telltale hints of drug use, but needless to say she doesn’t have the smoothest approach.

http://www.drugfree.org/Parent/ConnectingWithYourKids/

How to Monitor
Your Child

“Monitoring means talking to your child about not only the bigger issues about using and not using, but where they’re going to be, who they’re going to be with, and what the rules and expectations are.”

http://www.drugfree.org/Parent/ProtectingYourKids/

Should You
Snoop?

 “If they’ve got something to hide, you need to know about it. You’re talking about their health and well-being here.”

http://www.drugfree.org/Parent/HowToSpotUse/  

What If Your Child
Is Using 

"If you suspect your child is using drugs or alcohol, you actually have a very serious problem on your hands."  

http://www.drugfree.org/Parent/HowToHelp/

Recommended Resources

Don’t talk at your teens about their risks of drugs – talk with them! On this page, you’ll find our recommendations for some of the best drug-related books, movies, and more. Try watching, reading and then discussing these topics with your teenager. They provide the material for honest, intelligent and thought-provoking dialogue between you and your child.

http://www.drugfree.org/Parent/Resources/

Link to my closed page on Google+ for support and updates in the community!

How Does Addictive Thinking Develop?

Chemical dependency is a complex disease that may result from a complex mix of physical, psychological, and social factors.
A good convincing theory was presented in an article by Dr. David Sedlak who describes addictive thinking as a person's inability to, make consistently healthy decisions in his or her own behalf.
He points out that this is not a moral failure of a person's willpower, but rather a disease of the will and an inability to use the will. (AA members use the expression, self will run riot.) Dr Sedlak stresses that this unique thinking disorder does not affect other kinds of reasoning. Therefore a person who develops a thinking disorder may be intelligent, intuitive, persuasive, and capable of valid philosophical and scientific reasoning.
The peculiarity of addictive thinking, he says, is the inability to reason with oneself. This symptom can apply to several emotional and behavioral problems, but is invariably found in addiction, alcoholism, compulsive gambling, sexual addiction, eating disorders, nicotine addiction and codependency.

How does this inability to reason with oneself develop? According to Dr Sedlak, the ability to reason with oneself requires certain factors.

• First a person must have adequate facts about reality.
• Second, a person must have certain values and principles as grounds for making certain choices. These can be from the home or culturally bound. For instance a young man growing up in a family or cultural values that say that a man proves his masculinity by being able to hold his drink may be expected to drink excessively. Failure to live up to that expectation can generate deep disappointment.
• Thirdly, the person must develop a healthy and undistorted self concept.

This distorted self concept may be a result of abusive parents, teachers or any other primary caretaker.To children the world is overwhelming, so if their primary caretakers and significant adults in their life are irrational, unjust, and arbitrary, the anxiety is intolerable. Therefore, children must maintain, at whatever cost, a conviction that the world is fair, just and rational.
Of course as adults we know this isn't true, but children cannot see it this way. They have to feel that the world must be "fair, just and rational" therefore their perception is faulty. They think, I must not be able to judge things correctly. I am stupid. Of course most of this thinking is in the subconcious.
Even when children are unfairly punished, they may be unable to believe, My parents are crazy, they punish me for no good reason. This would be too terrifying concept to tolerate. To preserve the notion that their parents are rational and predictable, their only option is to conclude, I somehow must have been bad to have been punished this way.

In short if children feel inadequate because of demanding adults or are not allowed  to flex their own muscles, they will begin to feel inadequate. Some parents are so codependent they allow their kids to grow up in a fairy land world. Not providing them with the tools to deal with reality, even with small things like doing their homework for them, then such children have no chance of developing, self confidence. A child who says "I can't" and is allowed to get away with it, actually has the feeling of inadequacy confirmed.

As children grow up, these misconceptions may continue to color thinking and behavior. They may continue to feel that they are bad people and undeserving of good things. Or they may consider their judgment to be grossly defective, which allows others to sway them easily.
A person can feel bad or worthless, even though this totally contradicts reality. Feeling insecure and inadequate makes a person more vulnerable to escapism, so often accomplished via mood altering drugs. It's a painful life for such a person and he/she dosn't feel like he/she belongs anywhere.
Alcohol and other drugs or any other form of addiction, anesthetizes the pain and allows the addict to feel as if he is living in a normal world.
Many thinking distortions are not necessarily related to chemical use. Fear of rejection, anxiety, isolation and despair often result in low self esteem. Many of the quirks of addictive thinking, are psychological defenses against these painful feelings, and these symptoms are due to the persistence of the distorted self image that began in childhood.

*David Sedlak, MD. "Childhood: Setting the stage for Addiction in Childhood and Adolescence" in Adolescent Substance Abuse: A Guide to prevention and Treatment, ed. Richard Israowitz and Mark Singer (New York: Haworth Press, 1983)

Confusing Cause and Effect.

If we were a fly on the wall at any AA meeting we would definitely think that we were sometimes at a comedy show, listening to AA newcomers, talk about their day. The other AA members are laughing, because they relate to the absurd thinking of the newcomer and remember the time when they would say the same absurd things. I read somewhere of an 'old timer' who suggested that alcoholic thinking is every bit as destructive as alcoholic drinking. To prove his point the man read the questions from a self test for alcoholism, substituting the words thinking instead of the word drinking. I kept his list on my computer so here it is!

    Are You an Addictive Thinker?

1. Do you lose time from work due to thinking?
2. Is thinking making your home life unhappy?
3. Have you ever felt remorse after thinking?
4. Have you got into financial difficulties as a result of thinking?
5. Does your thinking make you careless of your family's welfare?
6. Has your ambition decreased since thinking?
7. Does thinking cause you to have difficulty sleeping?
8. Has your efficiency decreased since thinking?
9. Is thinking jeopardizing your job or business?
10. Do you think to escape worries or troubles?

The point is that even with the absence of chemicals, distorted, addictive, obsessive thinking, wreaks havoc and makes the alcoholic crazy. I have been told by alcoholics that they can have a whole bunch of people in their head, all talking at the same time, 'the committee' they call it. So is it any wonder they take that next drink, and feel justified in doing so, because that's their only way of shutting everyone up! All Alcoholics believe that their logic  is valid. They not only resist rational arguments to the contrary, but also they can't understand why others don't see the 'obvious.'

Someone who has dyslexia, may want to read the word 'cat' but what he may see is TAC or CTA. But they are certain that they have read the word accurately. Their problem has to do with their perception of how the letters are organized. This does NOT indicate low intelligence; dyslexia can occur in highly intelligent people.
Something similar happens with the alcoholic, who in the main are also highly intelligent people. A woman may drink and take pills because she feels her home life is just too intolerable. She is telling what she perceives to be the truth. Her husband has withdrawn from her, her kids are ashamed of her and treat her with disrespect. She believes that this emotional torture is causing her to drink.
Have you seen the old cartoon of the man complaining to a woman in the bar? saying;
"My wife doesn't understand me"
Woman: "Why doesn't she understand you?"
Man: "She doesn't understand why I drink."
Woman: "Why do you drink?"
Man: "Cos my wife doesn't understand me"

No matter what the reason, attitude of the family or friends, pressure on the job, anxiety attacks, headache or nagging, aching feet, a financial crisis, or any other problem- whatever the alcoholic says is his reason for drinking, the formula is always the same. The short and long of it is that the alcohol usually is the cause of the problems, but the alcoholic believes that the problems cause the drinking.
Therefore to summarize, the woman whose husband has withdrawn from her, although unpleasant, cannot communicate properly with his wife, because of her drunkenness. The kids are angry and ashamed of their Mother, because they can't bring their friends around to the house for fear of unpredictable antics. They have lost respect for her!
Regardless of whether or not an alcoholic is drinking, until the problem of his 'thinking perception' is addressed, the alcoholics perception of reality, will always be distorted.

Please note 'Addict' can be substituted where I have written 'Alcoholic'