Some Important Questions & Answers
An article from the “Hamodia Newspaper”
By Rabbi Avraham J Twersky MD.
Q: My 19 year old son a good bachur and gashmake personality, who learns in a good yeshiva in a supervised dormitory, was having a severe pain in one of his teeth on a Shabbos. He took a few tylonol and went to a married friend for seudah shlishis which became a seudas preidah for a bachur who was leaving the Yeshiva, and he had about a glass of scotch.
He was still in a lot of pain as he went to Maariv, heard Havdalah, borrowed enough money for a bus ticket back to Yeshiva and went to the bus stop. The next thing he knew he woke up in the emergency room with a huge bump on his head. He had passed out at the bus stop. I have been open with my kids about the many dangers that they may encounter, but I never thought about drinking alcohol whilst taking medicine, I thought it was obvious.
We called a fellow that was with him at the seudah who shed some surprising (and worrisome) insight on the general situation: In some circles it is considered normal and acceptable for a bachur who davens with a minyan, learns three sedarim a day has a mussar seder and doesn’t engage in inappropriate activity to have some excuse to have an alcoholic drink during the week; there is usually some sort of simcha going on. It is acceptable to drink a whole glass of whiskey – skip the soda please; or vodka and two glasses are just as acceptable. Shabbos afternoon, three bachurim can easily knock off a whole bottle of scotch. Beer is almost a soft drink.
I asked my son why he or any of the boys would feel the need to drink alcohol. Is it to unwind to gain confidence, to avoid serious discussion or due to peer pressure?
This question did get him thinking but he couldn’t pin point the reason.
He does know as do his siblings because I have particular concerns, because my father was an alcoholic, and there is a pretty strong theory that alcoholism could have a genetic component. I asked him to write to you which he did not so I asked if he mind if I write, which he said was fine.
I asked him where his friends get the money for this relatively expensive habit, and he said “ Well, in some cases it is related to the other problem – gambling” I remember how my alcoholic Father would not let us play ‘old maid’ or ‘fish’ on Shabbos because cards were used for gambling. We were amazed, whoever knew? It seems like it is back in style. And they gamble hard and seriously and borrow money from friends and they don’t pay it back and the debt just keeps growing. He doesn’t gamble he’s already ‘dealt with a debt’ but he likes to watch for the entertainment. So I felt that before the summer the following is relevant.
Q: Is it normal for a bachur to have a glass of whiskey at a Kiddush or at a friends’ farewell seudah?
Q: When does it become ‘not normal’?
Q: When does it become an addiction?
Q: When does gambling become an addiction?
A: Your letter is most important calling attention to two serious problems affecting our youth, problems which many parents refuse to recognize because “it can’t happen in my family.” Unfortunately this denial is not often overcome, until they are struck with tragedy, chas vshalom. For whatever reason excessive drinking has become more prevalent.
A: Underage drinking should be strictly forbidden, except for a sip of wine at Kiddush there should be zero tolerance for drinking any liquor, wine, beer any alcohol – under age 18. Not on Shabbos, not at weddings, not on YomTov, not at a Shalom Zachor.
This may seem radical but it is not radical to parents who have rachmana litzlan lost a child to alcohol. If this is observed then one can fulfill the Purim halacha by having one ounce of wine on Purim (mishna brura 695:5) I don’t think that anyone at any age should be more frum than the Chofetz Chaim.
Hatzolah is unfortunately kept very busy on Purim and they can testify to the gruesome scenes they encounter.
A: Many young people do not have mature judgment, and their brains are sensitive to alcohol so the small amounts of alcohol distort their judgment. The only safeguard is to abstain from drinking.
Young people may think that it is smart or cool to drink. It is not. It is foolish and dangerous.
Children tend to emulate their parents. Parents should know that if they drink on Shabbos and become intoxicated they are inviting their children to suffer from addictions chas vshalom.
A: In the past few years there has been an alarming increase in teenage gambling and this problem has hit frum families as well. There are youngsters who pilfer from their parents, and are desperate enough to steal from strangers in order to gamble; others may commit credit card fraud.
A: Gambling can easily become addictive, and when this happens disaster is inevitable. I describe the problem in ‘Compulsive Gambling – Its More Than Dreidel’
Sadly it is not unusual to ignore warnings. Many parents are more comfortable believing that “it can’t happen to us.”
PARENTS WAKE UP! A concerted united effort by parents and community activists can prevent these potentially deadly behaviors; do not be lulled by a false sense of security.
All our children are at risk.
People addiction.
Many people believe that we as human beings are only addicts if we abuse drugs or drink till we drop. Some people eat till they die, or don’t eat till they die or watch pornography until they become destructive, demeaning, desensitized, sub humans. These addictions are common enough unfortunately, but today I’m bringing into awareness the problem of people addiction or relationship addiction. (This is just the start)
Some men/women have the charms to manipulate such a relationship where the partner will become addicted to them, they will deliver all of their irresistible charms to capture their prize. ( this kind of person also has a soul sickness)
I want to make it clear here that their is no difference in gendre. I will use the masculine from here on in for easier writing.
When he ignores her, abuses her, cheats on her, or uses her, she can simply just decide to try harder, put more energy into the relationship, and take better care of him. She believes that if she does this, eventually he will notice and will see how valuable she is, and then he will fall on his knees in gratitude and treat her like a queen, just like he did in the beginning…….Dream on!!
The fact is such a woman with a commitment to such a man, her dedication to being a proper wife/friend/lover has allowed such fairy tales to distort their sense of reality. The reality is that she is doomed to a lifetime of abuse and disappointment until "death do us part." This is a soul sickness in her; and she in turn becomes addicted to him. She has to fill the ‘hole in her soul’ with love, which she will not find in this kind of a relationship.
I have seen this kind of relationship in parents & children, husbands and wives, between siblings. The more dominant sibling will taunt and abuse the weaker one until the weaker is addicted to making the older sibling happy. Unfortunately this makes for more abusive relationships later on in life.
The unfortunate thing about addiction is that until the realization of such deficiencies in us are noticed and dealt with we will keep making the same mistake in every relationship that we have, until the problem is recognized.
Relationships can become some of the hardest parts of our lives and there are many 12 step groups to help us in these areas or to make an appointment with a good counselor or therapist who you can trust to help you to overcome these issues.
